El Hombre Loco

Be careful what you wish for girls, you might just get it!

When you focus on getting attention from a guy, make sure you focus on getting attention from a guy who isn't CRAZY!!!!!!

I was really feeling down. Trying to be friends with the Ex is not as easy as it sounds. Oh wait, it doesn't sound easy? Yeah, that's cause it's definitely not. All I wanted was a distraction, something to make me stop thinking about my mid-life-crisis-ridden ex boyfriend.

Boy did I get what I asked for.

It all started out so innocently. I decided that since I have such a hard time finding friends that like karaoke as much as I do (I just don't understand you guys sometimes...), I would start going on Mondays to visit Jan, my karaoke host-friend. This way, I can hang out in the booth with her, have a couple drinks, and sing a couple songs. No damage done, right?

So here's the play by play. I come out of the box to sing Hook by Blues Traveler. It's a great crowd pleaser because I actually know all the words. Impressive, eh? Halfway through the song I see El Hombre Loco on my right. Cute. Cheering me on. Seems really impressed. Nice. I think, "Ooooh, maybe he's a musician, maybe this is my chance to be in a band." I know, I know. Totally dorky, but I'm just being honest here. As soon as I finish the song, he's on me like white on rice. "Wow, " he says, "you're such a great singer! And you're so hot, and wanna hang out?"

I, of course, am incredibly flattered, and I totally wanna hang out. He says he just arrived in Portland 3 weeks ago from New York. Why's that? He's on book tour. Really? That's so cool! A writer! So we get into long conversations over (my) cigarettes about transparency in relationships and how if we were all just a little more real with each other, the world would be a better place. What's his name? Ha ha. Ben Affleck.

So, as I get tipsier, things get weirder. First, his friend is weird, and not in a good way. Ben's story starts changing. His book isn't actually published yet, but as soon as it is he's going on his book tour. Um, ok. He has a 5 year old son at home, and that's why he's come out to Portland: To make his fortune to take care of his son. Awww, (now I'm really tipsy), that's so sweet! I decide to sing a song for him. Tori Amos, cause he loves her. Oh shit, now he's like freaking out cause I made him so happy. Maybe this guy's a little too much. Not sure, pretty drunk.

So the bar closes, and I offer to take Jan home. This is when I see the backpack. All of Ben's worldly possessions are in this bag. Well, that's ok, he did just arrive here. But why is he carrying it around with him? Does he not have a place to stay? Unfortunately, these little realizations are muffled by my alcohol intake. But I at least have the where-with-all to not invite him to go with us, for he was certainly trying tag along. I did, however, give him my number.

I crash at Jan's place, wake up feeling like utter ass, and drive home ASAP to crawl into my own bed and try to sleep it off for a couple more hours. When I wake up, I have not 1, not 2, but 3 text messages from the old Ben, and a voice mail. Damn, red flag city. At this point I have no one to blame but myself. I called him. I know, I know, WTF Mary Anne? But please be gentle, remember, I'm really out of practice, and for some reason I wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. So this is (more or less) what he said:

He hasn't been to bed yet, because his bag was stolen from him while he was on the phone with his son. For some reason, he had to walk away from his bag to talk to his son (at 3 am), but we never got to what that reason actually was. So let me get this straight. Yes, everyone, he was on the streets last night. Ok, big fat red flag #1. So, he's not actually going to go on a formal book tour. In reality he's his own publishing company, and he's written a Choose Your Own Adventure Book, which he'll be paying $2.50 each to publish, then he'll turn around and sell them for $12.00 a pop. Where will he be selling these fascinating books, you may ask? On the street. And this, my friends, is how he's going to support his son. ACK!!! RED ALERT RED ALERT! ALL SYSTEMS DOWN!!! EVACUATE!!!!

So what do I do? Dummy me, I agree to meet him for coffee the next day. Am I that desperate? Dunno, maybe. Now mind you this is after he tries to get me to hang out with him that evening. I lied and said that I wasn't planning to go out. He he. And in my defense, this guy was really pushy. When I get off the phone, I just don't feel right about the whole thing, so I call my sweet friend to help me analyze the situation. Sometimes I just need to talk it out to understand how crazy it is. While I'm on the phone, I get a phone call and 2 more texts from this guy, telling me that all of a sudden all of his plans for the next day have been canceled and that "yay", we can hang out all day if we want, and have a picnic outside or something. ARG! That's it. I don't want to hang out with this guy, at all. There's something creepy, weird, and just unkosher about him. I get it now.

I decide to practice being transparent and honest and send him a text, which basically said "Thanks, but no thanks". I was very polite, I said it was nothing personal. But I was also very firm. No way dude. We are not hanging out. At all. If I had been dealing with a non-crazy person, that might have been the end of it.

Not so much. I wish I had kept all the texts, which I would have loved to look at like people love to look at really bad car accidents, but they went something like this:

"Whoa, girl! I'm not trying to trip on you! I'm totally down for just being casual, you got me all wrong! Yadda Yadda, more BS."

"So are we having coffee tomorrow, or what?"

"So I'm guessing we're not having coffee, as it's the day we're supposed to meet and you haven't responded"

"So I totally took this girl home and banged her brains out last night, and she totally wasn't as hot as you"

"So I'm still totally down for just hanging out! I love to hear you sing karaoke. Just meet me for karaoke so I can hear you sing, please!"

"So I think we may have gotten started off on the wrong foot..."

"So I just want to let you know that I'm not crazy and I'm not obsessive, and I'm totally down for just bein friends."

OH MY FUCKING GOD ENOUGH ALREADY I HAVEN'T ANSWERED A SINGLE ONE OF YOUR TEXTS AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME!!!!!!!

Wow. Thank the Gods I didn't tell this guy where I live or work. Thank the Gods that this is a fairly large city, and as long as I avoid scuzzy dive bars I probably won't run into him again.

I obviously have a lot of learning to do ladies!

Lesson #1 - Don't move to Korea on a whim.

Lesson #2 - Don't give crazy guys your number.

Is my single life a lost cause? I certainly hope not. They can't all be numb nuts, can they...? ...can they? Ladies, where did you go...? Is it something I said?