El Hombre Con La Mujer Fea

This one is really short ladies. But I felt this guy deserved honorable mention.

Dear Johnny,

Why did you have to be so cute with your little red faux-hawk and glasses? I have such a weakness for dorky guys like you. You like D and D and Magic, and you're old enough to be unashamed of it. You attend Burning Man every year, and you work at a bank. You just seem like a seriously interesting person. I want to flirt with you in a bad way, but we're kind of in a fundraising meeting right now, huh? So, I'll have to wait until Iron Bartender.

So then Iron Bartender comes around, and what do you do? You come waltzing in, hand in hand with a... how do I put this nicely enough that it won't come to bite me in the karmic ass?

Dude, she looks about ten years older than you, and she's wearing a rather unflattering top that places her somewhere in a Beaverton Target, and I'm pretty sure that blonde is fake.

Le sigh. Karma come get me, there was just no nice way to say that.

I mean, it's not like I'm Jungle Barbie over here, but I feel like I'm at least closer in age to you, and I dunno, cuter? A little?

But now, instead of being able to flirt with you, I must focus on the fact that the only other guy I feel comfortable talking to here is my stupid Ex, who came by himself. I equal parts want to kiss him and punch him in his manhood. And now I have to face him, converse with him, and be polite while my body turns a strange mixture of hot and cold, which makes me kind of want to puke... or get really drunk. I choose to do the latter, of course.

So, Johnny, I'm going to blame you for my misfortune, because I don't feel like blaming myself, and you had a choice... you could have left her at home.

Sincerely,

The angry, newly-single, bitter bitch,

MA

Whew!! Man, can I spew some venom or what? I'm almost ashamed to relay how much better I feel having gotten it out...

Actually, no shame here...not even a little bit.

Kisses!