El Hombre Con La Mujer Fea

This one is really short ladies. But I felt this guy deserved honorable mention.

Dear Johnny,

Why did you have to be so cute with your little red faux-hawk and glasses? I have such a weakness for dorky guys like you. You like D and D and Magic, and you're old enough to be unashamed of it. You attend Burning Man every year, and you work at a bank. You just seem like a seriously interesting person. I want to flirt with you in a bad way, but we're kind of in a fundraising meeting right now, huh? So, I'll have to wait until Iron Bartender.

So then Iron Bartender comes around, and what do you do? You come waltzing in, hand in hand with a... how do I put this nicely enough that it won't come to bite me in the karmic ass?

Dude, she looks about ten years older than you, and she's wearing a rather unflattering top that places her somewhere in a Beaverton Target, and I'm pretty sure that blonde is fake.

Le sigh. Karma come get me, there was just no nice way to say that.

I mean, it's not like I'm Jungle Barbie over here, but I feel like I'm at least closer in age to you, and I dunno, cuter? A little?

But now, instead of being able to flirt with you, I must focus on the fact that the only other guy I feel comfortable talking to here is my stupid Ex, who came by himself. I equal parts want to kiss him and punch him in his manhood. And now I have to face him, converse with him, and be polite while my body turns a strange mixture of hot and cold, which makes me kind of want to puke... or get really drunk. I choose to do the latter, of course.

So, Johnny, I'm going to blame you for my misfortune, because I don't feel like blaming myself, and you had a choice... you could have left her at home.

Sincerely,

The angry, newly-single, bitter bitch,

MA

Whew!! Man, can I spew some venom or what? I'm almost ashamed to relay how much better I feel having gotten it out...

Actually, no shame here...not even a little bit.

Kisses!

El Muchacho Guapo

OK, so where was I?

Oh yeah, crazy guy. So over the next week or so, I did what any normal girl would do. Didn't answer the texts, avoided the places I might run into him, and beat myself up rather severely for getting myself into this in the first place. I mean seriously, am I so desperate for attention that I'd allow such a loser to come within even 10 feet of me? Don't I deserve better than that? Is this all this city has to offer me? Crazy, transient, homeless, penniless quacks?!? Please say it isn't so.

This is the one thing for which I have to thank El Muchacho Guapo. He did show me that I deserve better. Unfortunately, he too is a case of the world giving me exactly what I ask for. And I really need to start refining my desires.

What was I asking for exactly? Well, I want someone who's active, employed, passionate, a mover and a shaker. That's what I'm doing right now: I'm biking twice a week, going to yoga, writing a grant, preparing for a huge benefit, and working full time as a waitress. I mean, I want someone who's as excited about life as I am, you know?

Enter another tipsy night (notice a pattern so far?), this one not as tipsy as the last though, in my defense. I was minding my own business at one of my favorite bars with a dear friend from work. We had just had a very busy night (the night before Thanksgiving), and we were winding down with a little whiskey and conversation. Towards the end, a very attractive man walks up, sits down across from me, and just starts talking. The exact conversation is fuzzy, but I remember immediately being on my toes intellectually. A small battle of wits ensued, followed by some use of big words. Let's see... What should we call this guy? How about Preston? I think it will fit.

So what does Preston do for a living? This is, of course, a very important question after my last experience. Any questionable career, and I'm walking away, fast.

He's a teacher. Hmmmm... What kind of teacher? Special Ed. Oh, YAY!!!! He's a real teacher. Educated and everything. Already has his Master's. We're good to go! I immediately start talking about my non-profit work, and how much we could use his help working with the kids programs. He says his workload is huge right now, but he'd be happy to help in the early parts of next year. Then he asks if he can take me out to dinner sometime.

Wai wait. Come again? Dinner? Like a date? A real date? No freaking way dude, I haven't been asked out on a real date in... I dunno, ever? Ok, maybe once. But it's been such a long time. So, I somehow manage to keep my cool, and say that I would certainly love to go to dinner with him sometime. Phone number's exchanged. Farewell and good night.

The next day is Thanksgiving, and being that both Preston and I are in the city without family, I was extremely flattered that he texted me around 5 pm to invite me to join he and his friends in their festivities. I also, however, had plans, so I told him I'd call him later. Oh, this is so nice and normal-seeming. How refreshing! He also mentions this Brazilian marital arts/break dancing thing that he's really into. Capo-something. Fo rizzle? I'm totally intrigued.

When I called him later that evening, he didn't answer, which was actually great. Not too available, I like that! I leave a dorky message, of course, and decide to leave it at that. I absolutely refuse to call or text too much. I won't be that girl, no way, no how.

But of course, the next day when I still haven't heard from him, I'm doing the chronic phone checking thing again. So I'm not perfect, ok? But no, no, I will not call him again. Instead, I'm going to ride my bike all the way across town to pick up my car. One killer bike ride later, I have a missed call and message from Mr. Preston. Yes! It totally works! If I'm good to myself, good things happen. Why is this such a hard lesson to learn?

So I call him back, and when would I like to go out? Tonight? Oh bummer I have to work. So I give him a choice. Would he like to go out on a lunch date the following day, before I have to work, or would he like to go out to dinner on Sunday which is my regular day off? His answer? Ladies, this is a good one. "How bout both?" Oooooh, good boy. I'm impressed, and totally stoked.

This is when I start feeling like such a girly-girl. Ladies, I have a date, and I have nothing to wear!!!!!! Enter panic mode. After spending the remainder of the day freaking myself out and convincing myself that I'm either not ready or not adequate enough to go on this date, I decide to chill out and just roll with it. I don't want a guy that's that superficial anyway, right? Breathe, girlfriend, just breathe.

I know you guys are waiting for the catch. Patience, I'm getting to it....

But before that is more good stuff. He picked me up for our lunch date on Saturday. Conversation was immediate and plentiful. He had a great idea for brunch/lunch. German pancakes. Sounds interesting, bring it on! We talked about so much stuff, and found out that we had a lot in common. I felt ok telling him about the dorky things that I love, like Harry Potter and karaoke (he loves them both too). He's super intelligent. He graduated high school at 14 and had his undergrad by 18. He's a musician, and actually played me some of the music his band made. Not bad! He misses his family as they are very close. He's the oldest of four, and the whole family are teachers with the exception of the youngest sister, who wants to be a chef. Is your heart melting along with mine here?

So we start talking a little about my family. I mention my youngest brother, and Preston asks, "So how old is your brother?"

Awkward silence. Oh snap!!!!! It just occurred to me that I have no freaking idea how old this guy is. He has one of those faces that could be 16 or 35, hard to say. But wait, he already has his master's degree, so he can't be that much younger than me, right? Shit. I have to answer him.

"Is that your way of trying to find out how old I am?" I say teasingly. Buy a little time. Make him tell me first.

He smiles back. "Yeah, pretty much."

I don't know what to say. For some reason I just don't want to tell him how old I am. I have a bad feeling about it.

He offers it up first. "I'm 22." Fuck. The early graduation thing. I totally missed it.

I still can't bring myself to say it. I laugh. "That's how old my little brother is." I know it has to be said, so I take a deep breathe. "I'm twenty nahhhhhhhhiiiiinnnne..." ...Ick. I've never felt so old.

So a couple of awkward comments are made about age not really mattering, and the date continues. But I can tell it matters to him. And as much as I'm trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter to me, it does. Bummer.

The rest of the date was honestly quite lovely. I showed him Sumptown Coffee, and he showed me that capo-whatever martial art thingy. He actually rallied his friends to meet in Pioneer Square for a demonstration. Slightly overwhelming, but still really cool. And after seeing him springing around doing handstands and round house kicks, I couldn't help but want to take him home so he can show me some of his moves in private. Heh heh, maybe dating someone younger wouldn't be such a bad thing, right?

So I have to go, cause I have to work. I get a quick hug and a "Let's hang out again sometime." Whoa, slam. That pretty much sums it up. No second date. No call me later. Ouch man, that hurts. So I spend the rest of the evening in a self loathing pool. This guy is almost seven years younger than me and his life is so much cooler than mine. No wonder he's not interested. But thanks to my sane side and awesome friends, I quickly realize that Preston's opinion of me has absolutely no bearing on my identity, and that there's a good chance that an over-achiever like him might not have even had a chance yet to lose his virginity. Oh, I rolled with laughter at the thought of that. Can you imagine my taking that poor guy's virginity?

Hmm...actually...now that you mention it...I didn't erase his number...did I?

Ugh Ladies! I need to get laid!

El Hombre Loco

Be careful what you wish for girls, you might just get it!

When you focus on getting attention from a guy, make sure you focus on getting attention from a guy who isn't CRAZY!!!!!!

I was really feeling down. Trying to be friends with the Ex is not as easy as it sounds. Oh wait, it doesn't sound easy? Yeah, that's cause it's definitely not. All I wanted was a distraction, something to make me stop thinking about my mid-life-crisis-ridden ex boyfriend.

Boy did I get what I asked for.

It all started out so innocently. I decided that since I have such a hard time finding friends that like karaoke as much as I do (I just don't understand you guys sometimes...), I would start going on Mondays to visit Jan, my karaoke host-friend. This way, I can hang out in the booth with her, have a couple drinks, and sing a couple songs. No damage done, right?

So here's the play by play. I come out of the box to sing Hook by Blues Traveler. It's a great crowd pleaser because I actually know all the words. Impressive, eh? Halfway through the song I see El Hombre Loco on my right. Cute. Cheering me on. Seems really impressed. Nice. I think, "Ooooh, maybe he's a musician, maybe this is my chance to be in a band." I know, I know. Totally dorky, but I'm just being honest here. As soon as I finish the song, he's on me like white on rice. "Wow, " he says, "you're such a great singer! And you're so hot, and wanna hang out?"

I, of course, am incredibly flattered, and I totally wanna hang out. He says he just arrived in Portland 3 weeks ago from New York. Why's that? He's on book tour. Really? That's so cool! A writer! So we get into long conversations over (my) cigarettes about transparency in relationships and how if we were all just a little more real with each other, the world would be a better place. What's his name? Ha ha. Ben Affleck.

So, as I get tipsier, things get weirder. First, his friend is weird, and not in a good way. Ben's story starts changing. His book isn't actually published yet, but as soon as it is he's going on his book tour. Um, ok. He has a 5 year old son at home, and that's why he's come out to Portland: To make his fortune to take care of his son. Awww, (now I'm really tipsy), that's so sweet! I decide to sing a song for him. Tori Amos, cause he loves her. Oh shit, now he's like freaking out cause I made him so happy. Maybe this guy's a little too much. Not sure, pretty drunk.

So the bar closes, and I offer to take Jan home. This is when I see the backpack. All of Ben's worldly possessions are in this bag. Well, that's ok, he did just arrive here. But why is he carrying it around with him? Does he not have a place to stay? Unfortunately, these little realizations are muffled by my alcohol intake. But I at least have the where-with-all to not invite him to go with us, for he was certainly trying tag along. I did, however, give him my number.

I crash at Jan's place, wake up feeling like utter ass, and drive home ASAP to crawl into my own bed and try to sleep it off for a couple more hours. When I wake up, I have not 1, not 2, but 3 text messages from the old Ben, and a voice mail. Damn, red flag city. At this point I have no one to blame but myself. I called him. I know, I know, WTF Mary Anne? But please be gentle, remember, I'm really out of practice, and for some reason I wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. So this is (more or less) what he said:

He hasn't been to bed yet, because his bag was stolen from him while he was on the phone with his son. For some reason, he had to walk away from his bag to talk to his son (at 3 am), but we never got to what that reason actually was. So let me get this straight. Yes, everyone, he was on the streets last night. Ok, big fat red flag #1. So, he's not actually going to go on a formal book tour. In reality he's his own publishing company, and he's written a Choose Your Own Adventure Book, which he'll be paying $2.50 each to publish, then he'll turn around and sell them for $12.00 a pop. Where will he be selling these fascinating books, you may ask? On the street. And this, my friends, is how he's going to support his son. ACK!!! RED ALERT RED ALERT! ALL SYSTEMS DOWN!!! EVACUATE!!!!

So what do I do? Dummy me, I agree to meet him for coffee the next day. Am I that desperate? Dunno, maybe. Now mind you this is after he tries to get me to hang out with him that evening. I lied and said that I wasn't planning to go out. He he. And in my defense, this guy was really pushy. When I get off the phone, I just don't feel right about the whole thing, so I call my sweet friend to help me analyze the situation. Sometimes I just need to talk it out to understand how crazy it is. While I'm on the phone, I get a phone call and 2 more texts from this guy, telling me that all of a sudden all of his plans for the next day have been canceled and that "yay", we can hang out all day if we want, and have a picnic outside or something. ARG! That's it. I don't want to hang out with this guy, at all. There's something creepy, weird, and just unkosher about him. I get it now.

I decide to practice being transparent and honest and send him a text, which basically said "Thanks, but no thanks". I was very polite, I said it was nothing personal. But I was also very firm. No way dude. We are not hanging out. At all. If I had been dealing with a non-crazy person, that might have been the end of it.

Not so much. I wish I had kept all the texts, which I would have loved to look at like people love to look at really bad car accidents, but they went something like this:

"Whoa, girl! I'm not trying to trip on you! I'm totally down for just being casual, you got me all wrong! Yadda Yadda, more BS."

"So are we having coffee tomorrow, or what?"

"So I'm guessing we're not having coffee, as it's the day we're supposed to meet and you haven't responded"

"So I totally took this girl home and banged her brains out last night, and she totally wasn't as hot as you"

"So I'm still totally down for just hanging out! I love to hear you sing karaoke. Just meet me for karaoke so I can hear you sing, please!"

"So I think we may have gotten started off on the wrong foot..."

"So I just want to let you know that I'm not crazy and I'm not obsessive, and I'm totally down for just bein friends."

OH MY FUCKING GOD ENOUGH ALREADY I HAVEN'T ANSWERED A SINGLE ONE OF YOUR TEXTS AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME!!!!!!!

Wow. Thank the Gods I didn't tell this guy where I live or work. Thank the Gods that this is a fairly large city, and as long as I avoid scuzzy dive bars I probably won't run into him again.

I obviously have a lot of learning to do ladies!

Lesson #1 - Don't move to Korea on a whim.

Lesson #2 - Don't give crazy guys your number.

Is my single life a lost cause? I certainly hope not. They can't all be numb nuts, can they...? ...can they? Ladies, where did you go...? Is it something I said?

El Hombre Numero Uno

So I have a bit of back logging to take care of here first. The names have been changed to protect these poor boys from my fiery, biting wit. But most of you reading these will know exactly who I'm talking about. Tee hee hee.

So let's go back a couple of months, when the shit hit the fan. I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when the BF decided he hadn't had enough of a chance to be a young, strapping, single stallion (Well, it's a little more complicated than that, but that's a whole nother story). To put it mildly, I was crushed. Luckily, I have the most unbelievable support system. My friends and family are like an elastic net. I can fall in, and not only will they catch me, they'll bounce me even higher than I was before!

But boys, what on earth am I supposed to do about them? See I have this affliction; I really really like boys. I prefer to constantly be getting attention from them, so that I can feel attractive, vibrant, sexy, the whole lot. I know, sick, right? I'm working on that. But I had to be honest with myself, I was not looking my best, and certainly not feeling my most confident.

Enter two of the most amazing women ever to exist. My mom and my sister. They are seriously like liquid confidence, and boy magnets to boot! There's something about getting any combination of the Lowe women together that is pretty formidable. It kind of emits this cloud of fairy dust that enchants any male within 5 miles.

So, we lovely Lowe ladies are having a magnificent weekend on the coast, soaking in the sun, eating, well, pretty much everything we can get our grubby hands on, and drinking entirely too much! The pinnacle of the experience: Two drunken, rosy-cheeked sisters standing on chairs, singing Journey at the top of their lungs with love in their eyes at the diviest of dive bars in our little beach town. This is when and where I met the tall, lanky red-head Damion.

Damion was easily as drunk as we sisters, but seemed to find me very attractive and interesting. He kept saying, "You're smart!", which for me is almost better than saying, "You're hot!" My stomach was doing flip flops! A boy, a real boy, was talking to me! I really had convinced myself that I was fat, unattractive, and uninteresting. Then he cinched it for me. He asked me to dance. This had been one of my beefs with the ex for the entirety of our relationship. I love to dance and be silly, and I never seemed to be able to convince him to join in with me. Now here I am, and Damion is leading me on the silliest of dances in this dive bar (he said he had taken his grandma to ballroom dancing classes). Would I like to see him again, can he have my number? Um, yes.

The next day, I was as could be expected. Hung over, but high as a kite! It was another beautiful day on the beach with my ladies, and I had met a boy last night! So, I obsessively checked my phone all day while we enjoyed hiking, sightseeing, and gorging on dungeness crab.

Then, YAY!!!! He called. And it was perfect, cause I missed it and he had to leave a voice mail, and you know that made me look cooler than the obsessive phone checking girl I had been all day. Oh man, calling him back was so weird. It felt like I was someone else talking through myself, sounding confident, witty, and sweet! Did I still want to go crabbing? Huh? Oh man, I must have been really drunk last night, don't remember that part....but....SURE! Oh, we have to go within the next week cause you're moving to Korea next Sunday? Now this is the part where you'd think I would be all disappointed, but I can't tell you the sense of utter relief I got from that info. THANK YOU HIGHER POWERS THAT BE, I don't have to worry about committing anything to this guy. So crabbing, yes, commitment, no. Awesome.

Oh shit. What am I gonna do with my mom and sister whilst I go on my first date in over 3 years? Well, they're coming with me! Sort of. We drove back out to the coast from the city a few days later, and they dropped me off at the boat rental place. So dorky, gotta love it. But it only gets dorkier from here! Crabbing, for lack of a better term, is AMAZING! It was a beautiful day, I got soaking wet, caught lots of dungeness crab, and impressed a really cute guy! Then we met back up with mom and sis, and the next thing we know, in great Lowe fashion, we're too drunk to drive back to the city! So what else to do but rent a cabin at a nearby campground? So picture me, salt crusted, no change of clothes, not even a tooth brush, drunk, camping with my mom, sis, and Damion. WTF? In a weird way, it worked. We actually had a great time.

So everything seems to be going great. I get to have fun with this nice boy. My mom's around, so I don't have to worry about any hanky panky. And he's leaving in 3 days. Unfortunately, things aren't always perfect.

Damion says he wants to keep in touch while he's in Korea. Great! I'm totally down for that! I'm picturing occasional emails with pics and what not. Well, no, what Damion wants to do is use Skype (ever heard of it?) to call me around 3 or 4 times a day. Ugh. As a couple of weeks go by, I start to realize that this silly boy is falling in love with me from halfway across the world. Aww, MAN!!!! Now what do I do? Do I miss him too? Well, yeah sort of, cause there aren't any more boys around. But you ladies know me, I'm too damn nice, I keep telling him what he wants to hear, so I don't hurt his feelings. Do I want to come out to visit? Um, maybe? Do I want a teaching job out there? Uh, not really, oh shit girls, what am I getting myself into?

Funny how life works out, the ex BF bailed me out. He had no idea, of course, but he decided he wanted to try to work things out, and I had the perfect excuse to tell Damion that I couldn't move to Korea. Whew!

Kicker. Three weeks later? The BF and I are exes again (to be expected), and Damion is engaged.

"What? I'm sorry Mary Anne, I must have misunderstood you. I could have sworn you just said that Damion got engaged less than one month after you pulled the 'just friends' card."

Well, ladies, you heard me correctly. I wasn't sure whether to scream in frustration, sigh in relief, or laugh out of the pure hilarity of the situation. I went ahead with the latter of the three, cause, you know, laughing is so much more fun than the other two!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ugh.