El Hombre Con el Nombre Gracioso: Part 2

Ahem... One second here ladies while I stretch and pump myself up. This one's gonna take some serious finger flexing.

So I last left you with the ominous "I decided to like him" regret. Le sigh.

I should know better by now.

For you all might be aware of a phenomenon called "You never get what you want until you don't want it anymore." This phenomenon typically occurs with humans of the single variety when they are attempting to find a mate but really aren't in enough of a stable emotional state to handle one. More often than not, the single, emotionally unstable human will gravitate towards other humans that are just not that interested in him/her and will run like hell from a human who shows sincere interest. If science knows what's good for it, there will be lots of studies done on this phenomenon, for a solution will prevent a lot of hurt feelings and broken hearts.

But I don't want to place blame for this situation on that phenomenon. Because then that would mean it's not Hans's fault, it's mine. And we all know, I am completely faultless.

No ladies, I'm going to blame this situation on something called "Texting", another phenomenon that needs serious research. It used to be a simple concept. In lieu of calling someone, you can simply use the keypad of your phone to "type" a message which you can then send to the person you'd normally call. This tool is actually quite useful for common information exchanges, such as "What time should I come to the party?" or "My dog just pooped all over my rug, can I borrow yours?"

Unfortunately, there are some who have begun to expand the use of texting to things that in my humble opinion are simply inappropriate. The most inappropriate is the use of texting by some humans (mostly men) to be total and complete wusses.

I know it is human (mostly male) nature to be as lazy as possible, but whoever made the realization that one could text to form a relationship with someone rather than actually talk to them needs to be executed by firing squad. It should be considered an act of treason punishable by death. You think I'm joking.

For now, men don't have to be men. Now they can be big fat fucking wussies. I'm a bit bitter about this, can you tell?

Ok, so where were we? Oh yes, we exchanged phone numbers and Hans said he would call. Awesome. Except he didn't call. He texted. Arg.

Same day, in fact. Checking in on how I was feeling. Awww, that's nice. I said I was fine, how was he feeling? I received back a one sentence, no punctuation text that basically said, "I'm fine Didn't drink that much Just a little tired"

To which I said, "Well, thanks for staying up with me! (emoticon winky face) I had a lot of fun. I'd love to hang out again sometime soon!"

I'm sorry ladies, but is that an inappropriate thing to say? Because I got absolutely no response back from him. For almost 2 weeks.

Forgive me Hans, but I do believe that you initiated contact, fucker. I wasn't going to call or text anything at all. I put the ball in your court, and you bounced it back, man. I thought we were gonna get into a nice game of ping pong, but you took the ball and ran off with it!

What a child.

So I convince myself that I should be brave and put my money where my mouth is. I waited till the Saturday after Christmas, almost a week, and called him. With my phone. A real call, not a wussy text. To ask him if he'd like to go for a hike. Crazy, huh? I can't believe it myself. I'm such a Trail-blazer! Of course he didn't answer, and I left a dorky message.

And you know what ladies? I felt tons better. Sure my feelings were a little hurt, as no one likes to realize that "he's just not that into you", but I stuck by my beliefs. I did something brave, and now I can move on to the next guy. Screw Hans.

Except for the fact that a week later, I get another goddamn shit piss muther fucking TEXT!!!!

Ahem... excuse the outburst. I sincerely apologize for the profanity. This guy just gets me a little riled. Why did I have to decide to like him? It's seriously clouding my judgement here.

This one says something to the extent of:

"Hey! Sorry I've been a flake. Holidays were crazy with family. How've you been getting on?"

Now, please correct me if I'm wrong, but a text like that might just possibly mean that he really wants to know how I'm getting on. Right? Here comes Hans, running back waving the ping pong ball singing, "Ha ha! I tricked you! Just kidding, I really do want to play!" Well, dummy me, I didn't put the paddle down and walk away. It turned out to be a very one-sided game. Hans sucks at ping pong.

So, I give what I consider to be a normal response to such a text. I say, "I've been doing well! Busy! So glad the holidays are over!" For a couple rounds of texts, things are actually feeling kind of normal. I say one thing, and he says another. That is normal, right ladies?

Then all of a sudden the conversation becomes one sided again, and I know I don't have to tell you whose side. DAMMIT!!!!! He tricked me again! There he goes again, running off laughing like a maniac waving the ping pong ball! That's IT!!!!! Enough already. I am done.

Ha ha. If only. I no sooner wash my hands of the situation than here he comes waltzing into a party I was attending. "Oh hey there! How's it going?" - just like everything was totally normal. And I don't know, maybe in his twisted form of reality, this type of interaction is normal, but that's not how I roll ladies. Just can't do it.

Except for he's so damn cute. Especially now that the left half of his face isn't beaten all to hell. Ok, well...maybe I'll chat with him and who knows? Maybe he's just socially retarded and I can teach him things. The next thing I know, we're drunk again, and having a dance party again, and I'm sitting next to him, and we're talking and flirting, and then.....he's gone.

Wait. Wha? Who? Huh? Yup. Gone. Like a bat out of hell. Wow. Ouch. Well, that's that.

Except for his explanation the next morning. In the form of a text, of course. "I'm sorry I left so quickly last night. I got the spins, and if I had stayed any longer I might not have made it home at all. I sincerely hope you didn't think it was because of you."

UGH!!!!! Nope. Done. Done. Done. Done and DONE!!!!!!! Game over. Ping pong paddle down. Walk away.

Now why did that have to be so difficult? My oh my the silly things we let ourselves do. I have so much learning to do ladies!